just a little meltodwn

I’m maybe having a slow-motion meltdown.

I’ve left two-thirds of my discord servers, deleted my writing server, and tonight I’m clearing out my tumblr follows.

Does anybody want to run @ficwingrecs?

Will I regret asking this? Maybe. idk.

I’m ostensibly getting the condo ready to show so we can put it on the market but it feels like an utterly sisyphean task. Mostly because every time I turn around my kid is making a new mess, and it’s summer so all of Moth’s spoons and then some are going to managing the kid and her camps and stuff.

When I get anxiety flairs I want to declutter everything. Like, everything. This is not practical for a number of reasons, including the fact that I live with two other people. But in this particular case, it means I’m trying to actually declutter/pack/clean the house to show it whilst at the same time not get rid of anything I’ll actually regret getting rid of, or do anything that will give my kid Hoarding Trauma, or… well, you get the idea.

Basically I’m trying to declutter but only a reasonable amount while my brain wants to declutter everything. I keep having nightmares where I discover I’ve thrown out Bug’s stuff or Moth’s stuff and I’m sure they’ll hate me, or I’m supposed to be going abroad to live or study or something but I can’t find my passport and I realize I’m going to be leaving my family and I can’t remember why I thought I wanted to do this.

So I focus on what I can control. I clear out my files, or I leave most of my discord servers and mute the rest, or… well you get the idea. And I try not to have a full-on meltdown.

I hate it.