Belonging and not

My job is hybrid. I happened to switch departments right before Covid happened, to one where remote work was an option once you'd been doing the job for a period of time. So around November of 2020 I got to stop coming in every day and instead do my job from home, and it was great. And then in spring of last year they decided we needed to come into the office one day a week. Which I wouldn't mind so much except moved the office in the meantime and now it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to get there by bus, but fine. I hate it and none of the equipment I have there is as nice as the stuff I have at home and I can't get anything improved unless I'm in the office 3+ days a week, so I accept that trade off.

My department is five people, two of whom prefer to work in the office, one of whom doesn't share her desk, and then me and the other guy, who do. I don't mind this, he's always been a perfectly fine deskmate. At one point when the queer employee resource group started up, he put up a pride flag at our desk. I liked it. We also shared some other stuff like a phone charger and some desk fidgets.

I came in today and the desk had been entirely depersonalized, the flag taken down (along with the fidgets and the phone charger) and stuffed in the drawer next to the desk, and for no apparent reason, the pencil cup and the envelopes and whatnot moved to the other side of the desk.

I asked if anybody knew what was up, because I didn't like the vibe of having our pride flag taken down at the beginning of June, and my team lead told me he'd done it because he wanted the desk to look less lived in. I was reminded that it's not really my desk, not even the other guy's and my desk. I put the pride flag back up, because wtf, but it didn't sit well with me regardless.

Like, I know it's not actually about the pride flag as a symbol, my lead is a cishet guy but I absolutely believe he wasn't thinking about it when he took it down. It's more about the need to aggressively remind me that I don't get to have any sense of being wanted in the office despite the fact that I'm required to be in the office.

The desk I sit in is surrounded by no less than five empty desks. I barely see anybody in my department face to face even when they're working there, because I'm far enough away that you have to talk loudly to have a conversation.

The desks in between, by the way? Yeah, the empty ones.

Typing all of this out feels petty, because I know there is no shortage of people who don't get to work from home at all, and I completely am willing to accept the fact that this is the trade of for working from home the other four days of the week. At the same time… it's frustrating.

I wrote up a document on neurodiversity in the workplace a couple of weeks ago, with resources, best practices for managers, interviewed HR about accommodations, the whole nine yards. I got a bunch of positive comments from my coworkers about how helpful it was! But do I feel like I learned anything that I can apply to ask for accommodations for myself? Not really. I can't even get a proper over-ears headset for my desk in the office.

It just feels weird that the most isolating workday for me is the one where I'm physically around people all day.

I'm really not very good at this whole being a people thing.