Fantasy and Aspiration
Happy New Year and happy Imbolc/Lammas for those who celebrate!
I started pulling a card for the week on Mondays at the start of the calendar year, since there's a space in my planner where it fits well and I find it helps me focus on the week ahead. This week I pulled from the Seed & Sickle Oracle and the card is about unlocking memory. That's a good mood for a new year where I'm thinking about depth; usually it's when I poke at things I've been overlooking that I find important things that I've forgotten within them.
Going through a box of random stuff today, I found something my ex made for us, probably fifteen years ago. I kept it because it was "nice" and I was going to rework it, somehow, to make it not feel like her. In practice, I never took it out, just kept shuffling it around. When I pulled it out today I discovered that part of it had broken and I felt like I had finally been freed to get rid of it.
I've seen plenty of blog posts talking about fantasy selves, especially in the context of decluttering - usually your fantasy self is described as someone you think you should be, and so you're holding on to that person's things, and I've thought a lot about the overlap between the fantasy self and the aspirational self, the self one is trying to become. I didn't want to give up my aspirational self, the person who has hobbies and not just depression and anxiety; I realize that's not generally what bloggers meant but it was where my head was at the time and so it was hard to see around that.
This blog post frames the fantasy self a little differently:
She is an unrealistic standard that constantly reminds me that I am not good enough, while also giving me the false hope that if I have this thing or that, I will become her. I will be happier. So what does she make me do? Spend money on cute things I don’t actually use or wear, shame me for not using or wearing them, or shame me for not being able to afford them in the first place. And then I feel terrible about having Autism Spectrum Disorder which gets in the way of my productivity which is why I don’t earn enough to fulfil this lavish image that perpetually hangs over me. Yeah, Fantasy Cora is kinda ableist...
For one thing, Fantasy Jack can still stay up until 1am and be fine in the morning. Fantasy Jack reads a lot more than I do, and writes thoughtful reviews when he's done. Fantasy Jack writes original fiction and edits it and submits it to publishers. Fantasy Jack used to be a classy steampunk goth; I don't think even he could pretend we're going to manage that now.
Fantasy Jack should probably get a name, the same way Tyler has a name, so I can complain about him. Maybe Frank, like Frank N Furter. Stylish, fabulous, ambitious, working on tons of projects at the same time. Frank doesn't think world domination would be too much work, darling, you just need to get it together.
Frank definitely has a list of topics already decided on for the Pagan Blog Project, and also he blogs on a schedule and probably has a routine for commenting on blogs and other social networks so people actually notice his blog. Maybe? I'm not sure about that one, honestly, except that actual Frank N Furter would be all over Instagram.
Anyhow, Frank needs to calm down and let me play with my stickers. And also go to bed.