Jack of Many Trades

Sweeping the Sun In, Slowly

Originally posted: 2016-04-18

I spent a good chunk of this weekend cleaning.

Like many other things that are good for me, I'm much, much happier when I'm keeping up with the housecleaning, but it's very hard to do when I'm in anxious or depressed. On the other hand, cleaning is one of the very few things I can use as a redirection when my OCD is getting the best of me, so it's often the easiest outlet even if it's a little... earth scortchy.

(When I'm cleaning in OCD mode, whatever I can't deal with tends to just go in the trash. It's not the greatest for the environment or whatever but it lets me get on with things so it's a compromise I live with.)

Creatively, I feel as if I don't even know how to write. I managed a short reflection about my grandmother's death and... that's it. I'm still not sure how I'm allowed to feel about her death. It's as if I'm not entitled to my feelings, because I'm so cut off from my family. I know that's not how feelings work, and yet I circle around it.

My grandmother prepared cards for upcoming birthdays ahead of her death. I didn't know this until I opened the mailbox the other day and there was an envelope for my daughter's birthday, addressed in her small, neat handwriting. (Maybe that's where I get my tendency to write so small.) I won't lie, I sobbed there in front of the mailbox. I put the card in my bag without opening it. That's the kind of woman my grandmother was - she was dying, and she was making sure her grandkids and great grandkids would have birthday cards. Considering nobody else in my family sent my daughter a birthday card except my parents, knowing that's the last one is hard.

I feel better, though, for cleaning. Hekate was right to push me, The energy's been stagnant in the house for a while - I was very busy with work during all three new years this year, and I feel like I never got a proper start. But it's getting warm outside, and that sunlight burns away a lot of things.

I've been scared to move forward, but I need a change. Pretty much everyone is agreed about this, from my spouse to my deities down to a recent tarot reading I got which I'll be talking about soon. I don't know how to move forward, but I have to pick something before I go crazy.