I'm not celebrating properly until Saturday, when I'll go out to Trout Lake Abbey, but I did take today off work for the holiday (and the NaNoWriMo kickoff) and so I've got the luxury of dwelling on it nonetheless. Samhain is my second-favorite new year, after all, and it wouldn't do to let it go unremarked. I had a particularly anxiety-inducing day of work yesterday, one of my favorite coworkers was fired and another announced her plan to quit, and I've been resisting the temptation to obsess over a particular problem all day. As I look at Samhain as the New Year, though, I can't help but feel like the timing was no accident. I'm still going back to work on Friday, but I'm going back with a different mindset.
I was thinking of this job as something to put up with until I work things out to freelance and make a living on metalwork. Now that we're planning to adopt, though, that needs revision. There's insurance to worry about, and safety nets. I might not be able to leave the work world as soon as I liked.
And that's made me realize that I'm not happy. I mean, it's not what I want to do with my life. But I could be happy for a time, pushing papers and doing it well, in the right surroundings, with the right manager. This... is not that place.
Amber told me last night that I should keep an eye open. Sure, I'll be really careful - I don't want to make a careless move. But I can let Mara know my intention, and I can look, and I can make sure I focus on staying disconnected in my current job.
One of my friends at work asked me, yesterday, how I turned off my emotions when I walked in the door. I told her it was half astral travel and half dissociation. I'm a writer, and I like being other people. It's easy to be someone else, someone who just doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't quiet the lizard brain, but it makes it hard for other people (like bosses) to notice when lizard brain is destroying Tokyo.
So my goal for the New Year: Write. Make. Don't settle. Keep an eye out.
I think that's do-able.
Please return all tray tables to the upright and locked positions, it's time for both the Wild Hunt and NaNoWriMo. Should make for a hell of a season. Stay warm out there.